Like I don’t really have any specific direction in life and that I’m just a waste of space, and that I’m losing my relationships.
I feel like people don’t even consider Patrick and I their friends because we alienated ourselves so much when we first started dating.
I tried to push him to do things, all while I was doing the same thing. I got caught up with Cortney and all her nasty bullshit and it literally turned me off from people in general. She is the worst person I’ve ever met in my entire life. I don’t care about her existence at all except for how negative of a force she is on the world. I’m disgusted with myself for even being apart of her life.
My friends are my friends, and even though they annoy me, and I them, they should never look down on me for anything. They shouldn’t judge. They should push for my success, and congratulate me for my accomplishments
And I should be doing the same damn thing for them.
If you truly consider someone your friend, then it shouldn’t be about who’s doing better, who has better stuff, a better job, this and that. It should be about how I can help improve them, or them me.
I can’t ever bring myself to talk about my feelings to people because I’m scared that the way I’m feeling is going to make someone angry. I realize that I can’t live like that or else I’m just going to end up resenting everyone I ever love. The way I feel is how I feel and if someone can’t acknowledge, respect, and take my feelings, hopes, and dreams seriously then why on earth would I want to surround myself with that person?
I broke down last night for 2 hours and cried while Patrick tried to console me. I couldn’t even tell him why I was so sad. I was sad because 2 of his childhood best friends hung out without him. Literally that’s it. I just remember when his phone was constantly going off because his bros wanted to hang out. And now they just stopped trying. And it’s our fault.
So, I’m going to take it upon myself to try to be a better person altogether. I’m going to spend more time with his family, and I’m gonna attempt to talk to my friends daily, and actually SEE them now and then.
I just needed to unload this somewhere. Sorry tumblr.