Kiss the Sky
sometimes

I do things that I can not explain, nor would I even like to try. I have problems with my anxiety, my anger, pretty much my emotions in general…

some good news for once

I finished my final MTE course today which means NO MORE MATH UNTIL FALL. My prof tried to talking me into doing all of the MTE courses (there are 9 but only 1-5 are required to start higher maths and Sciences which I finished today) and it took everything in me not to laugh in her face!

Also, I got my biopsy results back, and everything is all good. Just a check up in 6 months :)

AND I had a job interview last week and should hopefully be hearing from them by the end of the week. PLEASE, followers of mine, I know you don’t care, but can you just send some positive energy for this job to work out for me. Please.

Things are finally starting to look up again. :)

forgive me

for always posting about my boyfriend…

but I’m going to do it again. 

I seriously never thought that I would find anyone who loves me as hard as he does. I wake up feeling like absolute shit due to my period and he’s just lovin me as much as ever. 

even though SOMETIMES he can be a real shithead, I still love him with everything I got.

He’s taking me to Kobe tonight just because. YUMMMMM. we haven’t been since our 2 month anniversary date. 

he’s so dreamy, sometimes I just can’t believe we’re together, cuddling every single night waking up, going about our day like it’s been this way our whole lives.

NOT TO MENTION HOW AMAZING THE SEX IS and how regularly we have it. I can’t believe he’s as attracted to me as he is. 

all I can say is oof. I love him. 

reppin da All Hallows’ eve colors! 🎃 #personal #halloween #orange #black #scary #blonde #blueeyes #pretty #vain

reppin da All Hallows’ eve colors! 🎃 #personal #halloween #orange #black #scary #blonde #blueeyes #pretty #vain

does anyone have any suggestions

for a really good scary movie?
my bf and I have been watching them all week and the only one that really freaked me out was Halloween just cause Michael Meyers has always scared me. help?

after some awesome sex.

after some awesome sex.

tiedye madness. #tiedye #colors #skin #pink #blue #orange #purple #green #legs #feet #tattoos #sexy #BUTNOTREALLY #lol #personal #judge #me #fuck

tiedye madness. #tiedye #colors #skin #pink #blue #orange #purple #green #legs #feet #tattoos #sexy #BUTNOTREALLY #lol #personal #judge #me #fuck

I MET BATMAN AND HE WAS COOL. #batman #newyork #new york #omfg #timessquare #times square #personal #photo #cool #blonde   (Taken with Instagram)

I MET BATMAN AND HE WAS COOL. #batman #newyork #new york #omfg #timessquare #times square #personal #photo #cool #blonde (Taken with Instagram)

on a brighter note

my dad walked out on my mom. (okay not brighter, but it gets better) which has been devastating for my family.

but (here’s where it gets better) my amazing boyfriend was there when it happened. and he stayed with me and he let me cry. I sobbed in his arms and he just let me.

he’s been nothing short of perfect.

the first thing he said today was “you’re so beautiful” I know he can’t possibly think I’m beautiful at 8 in the morning, but every time he says it I believe him.

thanks for being my awesome amazing sexy loving funny sweet perfect boyfriend and loving me along with my flaws and clumsiness and stupidity and my sadness… because of you the sadness just disappears.

I love you.

New clothessssss (Taken with Instagram)

New clothessssss (Taken with Instagram)

I remember…

when I went to see my best friend, Josh, in the show “A Chorus Line” I was very skeptical because I had to drive two hours and go into a big theater by myself. When I arrived I walked to the front office and told them my name, the lady working gave me the ticket and I proceeded to walk into the theater. I looked at the ticket and saw the seat number that I was assigned to, and I got pretty excited at that point because it was front and center.  

The show started, Josh came out and I lost all the bad feelings I had, I was glued to the show. The music, the dancing, everything was so big and bright, I couldn’t stop smiling. 

I was really into it, and then one of Josh’s peers performed “What I did for Love”. It’s a beautiful song, a song about romance and sacrifice.
I was mesmerized by the performance until I looked to my right, and noticed the older couple that was sitting next to me (they had to be at least in their 70s). The woman had the mans hand, and was singing this song so passionately to him. The man, who was hooked up to an oxygen tank, just looked her in the eyes smiling, and enjoying her raspy voice in this moment that only belonged to them.

I had never seen such devotion between two people, and by the end of the song I was weeping at this scene that wasn’t scripted.  

At the end, the woman kissed the man on the hand, and said “This is what I did for love, baby.” The rest of the show was a blur, I couldn’t tell you much about it. 

I can tell you, though, that I haven’t completely lost faith in love. 

I just wanted to share my story… maybe it’ll help someone who’s losing all faith in anything. 

What I Did For Love Lyrics -

Kiss today goodbye,
The sweetness and the sorrow.
Wish me luck, the same to you.
But I can’t regret
What I did for love, what I did for love.
Look my eyes are dry.
The gift was ours to borrow.
It’s as if we always knew,
And I won’t forget what I did for love,
What I did for love.
Gone,
Love is never gone.
As we travel on,
Love’s what we’ll remember.
Kiss today goodbye,
And point me t’ward tomorrow.
We did what we had to do.
Won’t forget, can’t regret
What I did for
Love

What I did for
Love

What I did for…

Love
Love is never gone
As we travel one
Love’s what we’ll remember
Kiss today goodbye.

And point me t’ward tomorrow.

Point me t’ward tomorrow
We did what we had to do.
Won’t forget, can’t regret
What I did for love.
What I did for love.

What I did for love

Love

I just want someone.

Someone who I can lay in bed and get high with, talk to for hours, cuddle like shit, kiss, play video games, color, hold hands, sing, laugh, watch bad horror movies, and sleep with.
Someone who will cook for me. Someone who will talk me out of all the stupid shit I want to do, but who will encourage and push me to pursue my dreams.
Someone who will let me cry and do they’re best to dry my tears, fully knowing that they come on their own and will never go away.
Someone who will kiss my forehead at least once a day just cause they know it’s my favorite.
Someone who can deal with my ever growing trust issues.
Someone who won’t mind me blurting out my one-sided opinions even though they didn’t ask to hear them.
Someone who will lay and look at the stars with me.
Someone that I can reciprocate all of that to, just because I want to make them as happy as they’ve made me.

I just want that pure happiness that everyone else has had at least once.

I don’t want to be just an option anymore…
But I guess that’s just asking for too much.

The only time I like being alone

is when I’m high as fuck… like right now. 

I feel like my mind doesn’t move as fast, so I can actually think in a clear path. Reading that rant that I wrote yesterday you can tell I was all over the place in my head. It’s fucking crazy. I’m fucking crazy.

But who isn’t? 

This is a Rant.

I am so fucking sick of doing things for people and getting shitted on. I feel like I have nobody to fall back on. Last night I was looking through my phone and I didn’t have one person to call and just talk to, besides Josh, but he’s busy in PA doing things for himself… and I’m so proud of him for that, I don’t mean to sound bitter, because I’m not, at all. I just miss him a lot. Everyday. I wish he was here. If he was, these two days I had off, it wouldn’t have even been a question… He’d have been here with me, smoking, chilling, watching Studio Ghibli movies, coloring… anything, it doesn’t even matter. Cause we would have been together. 

All the friends I have here I feel just don’t care about me the way I care about them. They lie to me, they use me, they compete with me, they don’t appreciate me. 

I’ve noticed a shitty pattern with one of them. Every time I find I guy that shows any sort of interest with me, she flirts with them to the end of the earth. The guy I met at 711, Junior… when he came to hang out for the first time I think I said maybe 3 words to him because she wouldn’t shut the fuck up telling him all about HER. I wanted to scream at her, but I didn’t. She is lonely, and she likes attention… but that’s all she likes. Once a guy tries to take it to the next level she just shits on them. It’s fucked up cause she brought the greatest guy I’ve ever met over on the 4th, called hers and my mom ma’am, shook their hands, gave them respect that I wished ANY (friends or not) of they guys I’ve brought home to my mom gave her. After he left, she said “he asked for my permission to give me a kiss, I said yes.” I asked her if she was going to date him and she said something along the lines of, “are you kidding me? do you know who you’re talking too? i’ll forget about him by sunday”. So fucking awful. Just… awful. She wonders why I don’t bring her around them anymore. She did it with Eric, and Garett, and just some guy I was having fun with, granted that was more his fault than hers I guess… she made it clear to me that she wasn’t sexually attracted to him and that nothing would happen, but she let him take her out on dates. She did it with Junior, because after that night, he hit me up and asked me for her number… mind you that was after I hooked up with him. I pinky promised her that I wouldn’t speak to the boy that I was just having fun with, and I fucked up and texted him last night. I don’t know if I did the wrong thing or the right thing.. Part of me thinks that he was more honest with me than she ever was….

I am just SO fucking over being treated like I’m not a worthy person. I thought I found someone here who was different, and who enjoyed my company but lately I have been second guessing even that. One of the strongest relationships I’ve built in the past year… 

I guess I’m just battling with myself, trying to figure out what defines a good friend?

I know what a good friend is to me, I try to be the best friend I can be but when I get nothing in return but lies and excuses it really takes a toll. I try really hard to be 100% honest with everybody in my life, especially the ones that mean the most. 

I just don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. My emotions have been crazy lately, and I don’t know how to fix it. I just want to feel secure. I need someone to help make me feel secure. I’m not talking necessarily romantically, even though that would be nice, but I just mean in general. I need someone that I can fall back on. Someone close to home. I hate sitting in my bedroom by myself. It never proves to be a positive thing because I just think. I think about all the things I shouldn’t think about. I think about Richmond, I think about Rob, I think about Rick, and Garett and Patrick and Eric and Cortney and everything that just didn’t work out because I gave too much and they didn’t give enough… 

I guess I’m just trying to find someone to meet me halfway, but I feel like I’m not good enough for anyone to want to meet me anywhere. Rick and I were really close and things were great between us… I was paying our bills, for our dinner, and our beer, weed, our everything, and we would lay together at night. Content. He would scratch my back, or give me a massage, sometimes he’d even fall asleep while scratching, and he would sleep with his arm around me. I felt secure. I felt at peace. Like for once in my life I was appreciated. Then he met Rachel, and got a job, and he takes care of  her… 
I’ve realized how fucking stupid I was for thinking that was happiness… he used me. Just like everyone else.  

Some people say that they are going to be alone forever, but you know they aren’t. They are just alone right now. 

Well, I have been alone my whole life, I honestly feel like it’s going to be like that forever. My life has been nothing but meaningless sex, hookups, and whatever else THEY have wanted. I’ve only been on 2 dates in my life, and those were with Rob, which we both knew we could never be anything more than whatever we were. I mean, he took my virginity. He’s the one that I could just talk to about anything. I don’t even have that kids number anymore. 

It’s just been one disappointment after another. My body and my mind are exhausted. I just can’t do it anymore. I’d rather just live life alone than to keep thinking that these fake sparks that I’ve created in my mind are actual happiness.

I don’t want to do it anymore. I just can’t. 

I am determined to have the best day off ever.

It has started pretty positively.

Chris and I are going to get some buds, and space cruise in my car (which we decorated the inside with glow in the dark stars and planets last night), then we’re going to color the fuck out of some velvet posters.

Yeahhhh.